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Help Lead the Way

Wednesday January 25 2017

John Sturrock QC explains how the techniques he uses as a senior mediator can help resolve conflicts in families, churches and society.

“After this harrowing time of seeing the breaking down of business and personal relationships, it seems to me nothing short of a miracle that so much progress could be achieved in eleven hours.

“When we were all seated together, there was tension but eating and drinking together helped to break the ice. Thank you for bringing to their attention the fact that they both had the power to end this hurtful episode, take control of their lives and start afresh, all possible on that day.

“It actually felt like a ‘Footsteps in the Sand occasion’.”

These words, taken from a beautiful letter I received from someone involved in the process we call mediation, reaffirm the power of bringing people together and providing them with a safe and private space in which to deal with some of life’s most difficult situations.

Much of my work as a mediator involves commercial disputes. And yet the human issues which arise in business problems are often very similar to those which arise in personal, family and church conflict. Some things, it seems, are universal: feelings of hurt and shame, loss of face, lack of recognition, distrust, breakdown in important relationships, miscommunication – or no communication at all.

We know that there are many reasons for people avoiding difficult conversations. Our brains are wired to protect us from danger. Our basic, primal, fight or flight response to perceived threats still works today; only we apply it now to the pain which we experience in our social interactions.

We also make assumptions about others and attribute fault or blame to them even if, were we in similar circumstances, we would expect to be treated kindly. We miss things, even the most obvious, as our minds filter out information which is inconsistent with the pictures we have built up.

In politics, as in so much of life, we operate in a binary, dualistic way. Yes/No, In/Out, Leave/Remain, Right/Wrong, Black/White, Us/Them. As the Franciscan priest and writer Richard Rohr suggests, we need to apply non-dualist thinking if we are to navigate this increasingly uncertain, ambiguous, paradoxical world. Indeed, he writes, Jesus was probably the first non-dualist thinker. Jesus’ embrace of the marginalised, the poor, the path of non-violence rather than conventional power and putting other’s interests before his own, were as revolutionary and counter-cultural then as they are now.

Recently, I had the privilege of working in Nairobi with leaders in the South Sudanese church, in a project led by the Very Rev Dr John Chalmers. To watch as John washed the feet of one of the few women present from South Sudan was to re-learn the power, for us all, of humility, vulnerability and love. And yet, these wonderful, thoughtful people live in an atmosphere of violence, hatred and tribal conflict. We discussed what it takes to overcome this. Love your enemies? But what does that mean in practice when your family has had to flee its home in the face of unspeakable acts of violence?

We considered the importance of gaining a real understanding of what is going on under the surface. We cannot just treat the symptoms. What are the underlying causes, the real hopes, fears, concerns, needs, aspirations, values and motivations of those involved? To find out, we need to ask really good, open questions, and then really listen to what is being said in response. Maybe that is why Jesus tended to ask questions when challenged. He wanted people to work out the answers for themselves.

Exploring what is really going on and then considering the options for moving forward is usually very fruitful. However, most of us want to jump to a solution quickly, to fix things, to provide an instant remedy. In doing so, we cut corners and often miss the real issues – and opportunities.

In churches, no less than in any other institution, we can fall into these traps. But we know that our brains have the capacity to hold our prehistoric responses in check. It takes effort and a willingness to accept that there are nearly always two (or more) sides to nearly all stories, that ‘they’ may be a right as ‘we’ are.

We have learned that evolution depends upon co-operation rather than mere survival of the fittest. We are likely to thrive as a species only by working together, whatever we may think of others’ views. If we don’t, climate change, migration, severe economic disturbances and inward-looking xenophobia may bring about our collective demise. It’s a tough call. But we are, after all, called to follow He who understood all of this best.

John Sturrock QC is chief executive and senior mediator with Core Solutions and was involved in the initial establishment of the Place for Hope initiative.